Therapist reveals the 13 secrets for a happy relationship
We're all searching for the secret to a happy relationship, but this therapist reckons we need to cast our nets a bit wider.
That's because Jean-Claude Chalmet believes that there isn't just one key ingredient to keeping your romance alive, as there are another dozen factors that come into play if you're trying to make the honeymoon period last forever.
The London-based psychotherapist explained that he has picked up on various relationship trends over his 30-year career counselling hundreds of couples, who all seem to hit the same hurdles after being together for a while.
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Reminding people there is 'nothing so difficult as living with and loving another person', Chalmet says that when issues start arising with your partner, it doesn't mean your love affair is over - it just needs some TLC.
He said most of his clients are still smitten with each other and 'are mystified as to why they’re having such a difficult time', which is obviously why they end up seeking out his professional opinion.
"My job is to help them to better understand one another," Chalmet told The Times. "When you’ve been together for many years, you can slip into unhelpful habits and eventually, instead of your relationship being alive, it’s merely existing."
Thankfully, the therapist is willing to share his valuable nuggets of knowledge about the 13 secrets to a happy relationship with the rest of us, while explaining how we can overcome common obstacles.
Validate their feelings
Chalmet said couples need to be intuitive to their other half's feelings at all times - as even if something doesn't phase you, it might be really important to them.
He explained: "It’s easily done, but when you dismiss their concerns, they can feel as if they hardly matter.
"The ability to read your partner and care enough to respond to their needs is called 'emotional attunement' and it’s the key to long-term happiness."
The therapist said lovers in long-lasting relationships have learnt to watch each other and develop a sort of sixth sense about their subtle behaviours which can indicate they might be feeling a type of way.
Difficult discussions
According to the author, avoiding the elephant in the room and not talking about uncomfortable topics with your partner usually 'makes the situation worse'.
Chalmet explained that if you are afraid to speak up or be honest, these resentments continue to bubble under the surface and the 'tiny fault lines in your relationship deepen'.
You should ask yourself why you find it hard to bring up certain subjects to your other half, before confronting the situation head-on - but with a cool head.
The psychotherapist suggests launching the chat with: "I want to talk about something difficult. Can you give me the time to explain it?"
Use your words, write a letter, whatever - as long as you communicate.
Fly solo sometimes
Although you are very much part of a pair and are used to having a constant sidekick, don't forget that you can leave the ball and chain at home on the odd occasion.
Chalmet said: "A relationship thrives on independence, with each partner retaining their individuality. Being joined at the hip is a passion killer - there’s zero excitement.
"In therapy we call it 'codependence', and it’s often seen in people-pleasers. You make joint decisions and modify your opinions to suit the other; you’d rather not express how you genuinely feel in case that causes upset or conflict.
"And so, you bicker."
So if you're getting underneath each others feet, use that tension to fuel you to explore the big wide world out there - on your own - before returning and breathing new life into your romance.
Don't stick to a schedule
It might be satisfying to see your life organised into a schedule, but it kills any hint of spontaneity in your relationship.
Prioritising the gym, chores, work and hobbies over quality time might leave you and your partner 'living parallel lives', according to Chalmet, while 'any intimacy is blown out of the water'.
Describing these kinds of couples as an 'organisational partnership', the therapist said that these pairs are usually still distracted during the fleeting moments they get with each other.
He said: "Often, these couples know things don’t feel quite right between them but feel frozen. I advise them to start by changing one thing. Spontaneously text the other person just to say hi. Leave the washing-up.
"Go for a walk one evening midweek, or to the coast on Sunday, just the two of you - snap out of autopilot."
Different languages
We each have our own love languages and relationship styles, which leaves therapists like Chalmet often acting as 'translators' between two people who are together.
For instance, a person who is transaction-based - meaning they give and expect to receive - tend to have very different feelings towards a situation in comparison to feelings-based people who are driven by thoughtfulness.
The dating expert says you need to understand that one will never become the other and that you simply 'speak different languages', so the only thing you can do is go the extra mile to love your other half like they need you to.
Chalmet said: "If a couple becomes aware of their differences, they are easier to negotiate.
"You might ask: 'What could I do better? I care about you, but I don’t always know what I should do, so can you help me?'"
The significance of sex
Nobody expects you to be at it like rabbits on a daily basis, but you should certainly be making time for bedroom activities.
Chalmet says it 'cements and celebrates your relationship', so although dry spells are normal, you have to actively prioritise and put effort into doing the business with your beau.
"Otherwise anything and everything takes precedence, and suddenly you’re a couple who love each other but whose love life has dwindled to once a quarter," he warned.
"But you don’t have to feel hopeless and accept this as just how things are now. From what I see in my clinic, there’s usually some reason beyond tiredness."
The therapist recommends finding out what your partner really likes to stop sex 'becoming a duty' while making sure you both reconnect with your clothes on first so you can be more vulnerable when you strip off.
Little things
As One Direction said, it's all about the Little Things.
Bringing your bae an unexpected cup of tea, a trinket which reminded you of them, cooking them dinner or just simply making it clear you appreciate them in some way, is essential for a happy relationship.
Don't wait to spoil them with lavish gifts on their birthday or Christmas, as Chalmet explains that 'big gestures can't replace day-to-day kindness'.
"We express our love through our day-to-day behaviour," he said. "It’s being caring, kind, curious and responsive towards your partner, and sorry when you get it wrong, that keeps love alive."
Life's too short, so let them know you love them whenever you can.
Long live flirting
Flirting - it's how you ended up in this boat and it's what will keep you going, according to the therapist.
Although being an adult often takes precedence, you and your partner shouldn't sideline fun and laughter.
Relive the earlier days of your relationship by trying out something 'new and challenging' together, Chalmet says, where you can mentally and physically reconnect.
After a while, it's easy to forget to remind your other half that you still fancy the pants off them, so you need to get your flirting on.
The therapist said: "Flirting can be lost in a long relationship, because to show you’re still attracted requires confidence, you must feel sure it’s reciprocated.
"That’s why having more fun is important. When you’re laughing, tactility and teasing become easier, more natural and you feel joy."
Sack the screen time
Although it can be tempting to scroll the night away on social media, the living, breathing human who knows how you like your eggs in the morning that is sat in front of you is much more important.
Getting sucked into your phone or distracted by some sort of technology during a chat makes it seem as though you'd rather focus your attention elsewhere rather than discussing what went on in both of your days.
Chalmet said: "If you don’t listen or ask questions, how can you know what’s going on with each other? We long for our partner’s interest and feel lonely if we rarely get it. And once there’s disconnection, indifference sets in.
"The solution isn’t complicated. Check in regularly with each other."
But don't do it half-heartedly - literally sit down, engage and listen to your lover while giving them your undivided attention.
Organising a date night to ensure there is quality time carved out each week is also a good idea, the therapist says.
A partner, not a parent
Plenty of couples joke that one is much more mature than the other and it's usually clear who wears the trousers - but be careful that you're not parenting your partner.
Don't treat your other half like a kid and don't behave like one yourself, either.
Chalmet said a lot of people expect to be 'indulged, forgiven and adored' in relationships, much like how most mums and dads treat their children.
"What this often means is that the childlike person expects their needs to be anticipated and prioritised - yet they rarely reciprocate," the therapist said.
"If their partner expresses annoyance at their behaviour, the emotionally immature person does what many children do: they sulk or throw a tantrum. It’s a form of entitlement.
Often because they bring something to the relationship - money, for example - they feel they deserve special treatment."
Leave your mummy/daddy issues at the family home, folks.
Embrace change
A lot of things have probably changed quite a lot since the start of relationship - maybe you have another job, a new home or different friends - but whatever it is, Chalmet says embracing it is the only way forward.
The expert said that we can often feel 'betrayed' by our partners if they aren't our biggest cheerleader when circumstances change, so this lack of support can really spell trouble in paradise.
He explained: "What I often see in my clinic is that when one person becomes very successful and there’s significant change, their partner feels intimidated.
"If we want our partner to embrace change, we need to create the conditions that make that easier.
"If you are the one that feels threatened by the change, you have to be brave and start a conversation: 'I worry you might dismiss this, but because I love you this is important to me.' Then tell them what you feel."
Don't let your standards slip
Despite the fact you no longer feel the need to get dolled up to the nines for your beau on a daily basis, it's important to still put some effort into your personal appearance.
People who feel secure in their relationship often let their standards slip, as your other half loves you warts and all - but according to Chalmet, 'neglecting your personal care is frankly selfish'.
He continued: "There’s no excuse for being tickled by your partner’s nose hair when you kiss or an assault of bad breath, and in my professional experience men are more likely to be the culprits here.
"Because they’re secure and comfortable in their relationship, they expect to be welcomed with open arms, stained clothing and all, often while their partner is head-to-toe immaculate.
"At times like this it’s a moment for an honest but gentle conversation. Ideally, both partners would agree to make an effort. Funnily enough, the mere act of showing willingness is attractive in itself."
It's perfectly imperfect
Although romcoms might lead you to believe otherwise, love is not easy and relationships aren't perfect.
If you've got unresolved issues, just know that every other couple in the world do too - but you're willing to overlook them because the good stuff far outweighs the bad.
The therapist reckons that it actually might benefit some lovers to 'regurgitate certain arguments' on a regular basis.
Chalmet said: "Perhaps you secretly don’t want to resolve the issue, because recycling a familiar argument is a perverse way of being close — your partner reacts predictably, and gives you their full attention.
"The connection is toxic, but sometimes we’re like children — any attention is better than none.
"It can become a game you both understand. One of my clients confessed that she enjoys arguing over the same old thing because it leads to make-up sex.
"There are certainly other ways of bonding, but if it works for both partners, who am I to criticise?"
Topics: News, Sex and Relationships, Lifestyle
Olivia Burke