​Research Finds That The Average Penis Size Is Getting Bigger

In a year in which imminent nuclear war, economic collapse and the demise of proper sugary Irn Bru have left us all wondering what the point of it all is, finally some good news. Cocks are getting bigger and bigger - just ask this bloke.

Well, sort of. Of course, in this putrid modern hell, there has to be a caveat, a suffocating bluebottle in the proverbial ointment, to keep us well-grounded/immune to real joy.

Knobs are getting larger, we're told, but crucially we're told that by condom manufacturers SKYN, which might well be making it all up to make blokes feel better. And if there was anyone who knew how to organise a cock issue cover up, it'd be such a business.

Back in 2016, SKYN announced the love length lengthening lowdown in conjunction with Kings College London, with the pair having collaborated on research that checked out the credentials of some 15,521 men. A scientific, well-rounded study that involved actual professionals and came up with an average size of 5.16 inches at full lob.

Back in 2016, however, we were all naive idiots who hadn't even heard of fidget spinners or Despacito, so what did we really know? A new study was clearly needed and SKYN has delivered the results, although, crucially, without the boffins from Kings College London. What do scientists know anyway. If the intervening two years have told us anything, it's that experts aren't to be trusted, right?

The new SKYN study eschewed any scientific rigour and simply asked blokes anonymously and online how big their dicks were. Naturally, they were given an answer that is far larger than the one that they came up with before. From the 3,037 sexually active men who filled it out, the average penis size was 6.1 inches, a whole inch more than the scientists said the last time out.

Have these men all experienced significant penis growth in the last 18 months? Are sales of Austin Power's Swedish-made Penis Enlarger pump and copies of "Swedish-made Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)" flying off the shelves?

Alas, it's probably that blokes are just liars who exaggerate the size of their wedding tackle, even when asked by researchers. Still, don't worry, gents. It's not just small, it's thin too.